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Operation Swordfish
2003-10-22 - By Olivier Bonenfant

Score: 45% - They say that it is the kind of film in which you should left your brain at the door. I unfortunately kept a large part of it on me when I went to see Swordfish. Suddenly it had multiple effects on me: barfing, hallucinations of Halle Berry's breasts everywhere, the disease of the John Travolta... etc... The film should be called Operation sleeping pill or something like that. Before doing more easy jokes, let me explain myself a little.



Moreover, I want to specify that I deeply hate this quotation: "this is necessary to leave your brain a the door to appreciate this movie", it sounds like refurbished quotes for stupid people, but obviously, every good critic must say it one day to prove that he has some kind of brain. Therefore, I need to talk about "DA MAN" in the movie, it's not Hugh "Wolverine" Jackman, it's fucking John Travolta. I will make a telethon for this great man; the telethon of the prolapsing anus Travolta to have enough money to send him on the moon with Tom Cruise. We should not forgive somebody who fought to create a movie like Battlefield Earth. Battlefield earth truly deserves that no one will ever forget it. It's exactly like when you are a kid and that you burn yourself for the first time, you must not forget afterwards what burned you. John Travolta awakes the same feeling inside me, an instinctive fear, a fright. The intense fear that I will burn myself again like I was scarred by watching Battlefield earth for the first time. We must forgive in life. Everyone except John Travolta.

Worse, the film beat the very subtle Shrek in its first week in the box office. That means probably that he will be given the roles of stylish european homosexual bad guy in 15 other films to come. Some people have short term memory or never have heard about Battlefield Earth, or people in Hollywood are very forgiving.

Talking about the movie.

It's the story of a hacker who plays golf on his caravan and who is recruited by a whore disguised into a terrorrist groupie to help Travolta, who wants to invade the world and kill all those who say evil stuff about scientology. (- fart -) Hurray for scientology (- fart -). A beautiful summary. I forgot the tasty part where the hacker hacks a system in one minute. He succeeds while his dick is being sucked and by writing two lines of codes and pressing enter. It's always with the same two lines of magic code and a minute that he cracks 128 bits encryption. This guy is a wonder.

The best moment of this film is the beginning: the speech that Travolta has is so well written and satirically clever that I almost had a positive thought towards the man, suddenly, I remembered that it is the script writer who should be credited for his good work and that Travolta probably had no idea of what he recited. Funniest thing is that Travolta tell us about how Hollywood made full of shitty films and enumerates full of negative elements that are finally in the film, including the surprise which has too much hype so everyone expects a surprise and finally, no one has a surprise because everyone passed half of the film to analyze all the possibilities and it's the worst that occurs.

Super, at least we know in advance that that will be a lame ending. Even the breasts of Halle Berry enjoyed too much publicity. When we see her breasts, 6 meters tall on a movie screen, we wonders whether it really was worthing it.

2003-10-22 - By Olivier Bonenfant

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